Reptilians… Really?

My aunt and uncle taught me how to be a legitimate film buff when I was thirteen. The process began months in advance with previews of the epic, visually stunning, sure to be classic, Independence Day. The imprint upon my psyche from this experience was further empowered by my lack of exposure to this very unusual, and apparently interactive, thing called the internet. My uncle would navigate seamlessly through a maze of actor interviews, character bios, and special effects teasers, while I pestered him with too many questions.

When opening midnight finally arrived I found myself sitting in a sold out theater sipping a soda and carefully pacing my consumption of skittles. An aura of excitement filled the room with chattering waves of anticipation. Months of Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum indoctrination coursed through my veins. Like a small trout that was raised on a farm, pumped into a tanker truck, and released into a stream just in time for trout season, I was hooked. I knew, deep down, that I would always like aliens.

It is natural then, that stumbling upon the reptilian conspiracy at the age of 30 was a vibrant enough experience to lower my productivity level from an already unimpressive 34%, to a staggeringly bad 12%, for an entire afternoon.

Here is some classic Draconian fare courtesy of VICE:

If you didn’t make it all the way through, don’t worry. Here is all you need to know:

  • There is a predatory reptilian race
  • They feed on human energy (including satanic sacrifice)
  • They are particularly fond of children (again for feeding)
  • They are turning us into a slave race
  • Their base is on the moon from where they are broadcasting a signal that clouds our ability to accurately perceive reality (unbeknownst to most of us, especially astronomers, the moon is a hollowed out planetoid)

An idea this full of possibility is destined to self-replicate like a virulent virus. It is easy to imagine the scene unfolding:

“Reptiles?” Jim says to Harry, “And they’re aliens?”

“Yup, I was skeptical at first too. But it’s crazy, man. George Bush is one. Just watch this video.”

All kidding aside, including the wondrous header declaring “Bush called on lawmaker to quickly pass a financial ball out package,” and regarding digital pixilation, the evidence is quite un-compelling. Let’s try this:

This poor fellow does have a Voldemort look going on, but lizard alien? Not convinced. One final try:

As far as I can tell, the most disturbing part of this video is the subject of their “reporting.”

In the end, the pertinent question appears to be, why wouldn’t alien lizards broadcast a signal from the moon that turns susceptible humans into paranoid delusionists and inspires them to spend hours analyzing six year old MSNBC footage?

The answer, of course, is common sense.

My inner thirteen year old self and I re-watched Independence Day recently. He had a soda and I had a pumpkin ale. Together we pondered why the prospect of an alien apocalypse filled us with such delight. Our answer was simple. It is easy to recognize the evil occurring in the world. It is easy to observe the inequality humans impose upon other humans. It is easy to feel disillusioned by deteriorating race relations. It is easy to internalize our feelings of helplessness. It is not easy to answer the question—why? Wouldn’t it be so much better if we could all come together, preferably as amateur pilots in F-16 fighter jets, and fight a common enemy? So… why not alien lizard Satanist’s?